Please do not Fuck the Man

fuckthemanNote capital M, please.

Sorry – been a while. Breaking the cardinal blogging rule – never leave em hangin…

In my non-existent defense, I’ve been busy.

It’s been a challenging few weeks to say the least. Apparently what you do when you feel better is not just get more done but also start to whittle away at the gigantic mountain of things you had left undone over months/years.

I think now I’ve handled the stuff that needed to get done months ago. and am working on the things I needed to get done years ago. It’s a little exhausting at times – but in a good way. Not the old “aahhhhh dont even look at me I cant see you alalalalalalalala” sort of way.

Anyway, now that Mohammad is coming to the mountain, we’ll see how it goes. Apparently standing in the road shouting “heeeeeerre mountain mountain mountain” doesn’t get you far. Good to know, mental note.

I’m getting stuff done now that I wouldn’t have thought possible even two months ago. Having difficult conversations with people that I wouldn’t have attempted. Planning ahead. You know…stuff.

And incredibly it’s so not enough. I have wasted too much time in my life to waste any now. Now. I. Want. To. Burn.

And I’m still not there mentally. The pace of my training has slowed now that I actually have to contend with life and its evil henchmen “Work”, “Dinner” and “Dishes”. I get in a session or two a week but there are obstacles:

  • No time. I know I know – no excuses. But there’s a strange math to the hunger at getting some old stuff off your plate while continuing to do the training that will allow you to continue getting old stuff done.
  • Other people keep using my machine. This is very exciting really. I’m breaking in my skills on a bunch of willing volunteers, doing peak performance training to help them function at top efficiency. This has many of the hallmarks of the work I’m doing but obviously different end goals. Some are coming to help their performance anxiety, some to reduce stress, some to deal with the irritation that gets in the way of just enjoying their lives. Anyway, it’s damn fun.
  • Sometimes (hangs head) I just don’t want to. I actually find this really strange. I KNOW it’s great. I KNOW it works. And sometimes (not often but enough to slow things up) I resent and avoid treatment. Interestingly, one of the hallmarks of some frontal lobe area challenges is something called oppositional defiance. Basically not wanting to submit to any authority just…cuz. I, um, recognize some of this in myself. And, having recognized it, I had to run out and talk to a bunch of people about it. Apparently a LOT of people do this, including those if us who may have tried medication for our challenges. Add it to the list and I’ll do some work on that area to see if it speeds things up. Or maybe I’ll finally be able to take that army commission I’ve always wanted. Whatever.

I always loved the part of High Fidelity (Nick Hornby novel) where the “hero” makes a number of completely unforgivable statements about himself and takes full responsibility for his actions without any excuses whatsoever. Then spends the rest of the novel explaining exactly why there were really good reasons for doing exactly what he did. Super clever way of drawing the audience into a sympathetic alliance with said protagonist. Also I just like people taking responsibility for things. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy like a Disney film and hot stew all at once.

But I’m not that good at it myself so I’ll make the excuses (see above) and THEN take responsibility. Sorry again.

I’ll talk next time about what it’s like to work with other people’s brains. (Hint – it’s neat.)