Lots and lots of change…a bit dizzying really. I’m basically in wait and see mode…everything seems unsettled – like things way deep down are shifting and rolling around. I remember a similar sense, standing on the edge of a huge glacier near Everest in Nepal, looking out at a river of motionless rock and ice and hearing deep, groaning cracks as constant, subtle pressure tore and shifted the ice below.
I left sessions yesterday with a mild headache, not helped by a visit to the largest mall in southern California. Mother of god, what a beast. Headache had increased by the time I left, probably due to sensory overload and scent sensitivity issues. Had dissipated by the time I walked back to the hotel. It’s strange in part that I would even have a mild headache. I had woken that day with that “potential for a migraine” feeling, which I mentioned to Sue. I never have “little” headaches. They are crushing, terrible things that completely overwhelm my ability to function, think straight, even put words together. They are vicious, attack-dog headaches that throw you down and tear chunks from your scalp. In comparison, this was a yappy little lap dog; annoying but largely ignorable and not quite worth kicking. New experience.
We were transitioning yesterday from working on overall brain stability issues (like headaches) to motivation and body awareness issues (as evidenced, apparently, by my previous total lack of concern over hunger). As I mentioned yesterday, half way through the second session, I became hungry. I haven’t been hungry for years. It was, to say the least, unsettling. I went to the mall nearby to get food. Had stopped being hungry by the time I got there, but all the same got the sort of meal I would normally eat. The US-sized portions were larger, but I hadn’t had breakfast and was not really concerned. As it turned out, however, I also seem to get full faster. Had to force myself to finish the meal and didn’t enjoy the last third. May have to learn to eat differently in restaurants if this keeps up.
Overall, this morning, I feel great. I have much less of the sense of exhaustion that has plagued me for the last few years. Empirical evidence (which I’m really into and am trying to track as much as possible through this)…hmmm…I was happy to do the blog, even unto several updates. Over the past month I had had great plans to track how I felt daily, in order to provide a solid baseline for this process. Unfortunately, that means having the energy and drive to do that. Depression kinda gets in the way though…needless to say, didn’t happen. Today, yesterday, I want to write. Hungry for it. There’s no sense of “god I don’t have the energy for this” which I’m used to.
Other evidence…as I’ve also mentioned, I don’t plan ahead. Anything, ever. Life is moment to moment. But last night I was looking at two upcoming free days and wondering what I would do. Only made half plans, but still – a big shift for me. More body stuff – I normally get a double espresso to start the day. Wakes me up, and it’s the only coffee I have in the day. If I don’t have it, I get a caffeine withdrawal migraine (yes I’m a delicate flower – what’s your point?). Today, as the caffeine kicked in during my session, I actually felt my throat tighten in the way that it does if I have a quad shot. Mentioned it. Apparently shifts in sensitivity are common. People taking medication can suddenly find that their regular dose is way too much and have to cut back (avec doctor’s consultation of course). Same with lots of stuff, from coffee to alcohol.
This is getting long and I’m getting hungry (AGAIN!) but one more strangeness before I sign off. In the evaluation, I mentioned I’ve had slightly elevated blood pressure over the last few years. Hadn’t had it checked in the last six months and Sue took a reading as a matter of course and one possible metric. Ther result was a dead-normal 120 over 80 with a resting heart rate of 71. I was pretty happy with that, as it was well down from the last reading I got. This morning we rechecked that, to find that it was up slightly, 125/85-ish. A little bit disappointing but really no big deal and attributable to any number of things. The really strange thing was that we then noticed that the heart rate was down to 55. That’s really freaking low unless you are an athlete, which I’m sooo not. I have been very fit in the past, and had a pulse of 60 when I was doing triathlons 10 years ago. Today I do a few push-ups to maintain core and upper body strength and that’s pretty much it. The occasional run when I can get up for it. Absolutely nothing that would account for a sixteen point drop in my pulse in 2 days (unless you count my tryouts for the blogging Olympics). Even Sue was surprised. It’s a tad freaky. It’s a high quality digital machine but there is a remote chance it was a bad reading – I’ll keep you notified when we check again.