Getting the hang of this…maybe.

butlerNeurotherapy, as it turns out, has the capacity to be as much a roller coaster as anything else in life. For me, what pulls the brake off the beast is the sense of stepping out into a different skin. Then wondering if you get to keep that skin, then feeling like you might, then knowing you can’t possibly, then…God dammit, I tire my self out in a single sentence. How the fuck would anyone else stand being around me for any length of time? It’s good kids have to legally hang around for a while. Just sayin.

*re-reads last* And I may have to reconsider cutting the anti-anger/anxiety placement out of my brainwave cocktail tomorrow…

Part of it is that the process of NT makes you WAY more introspective and self-noticey than certainly I had been. Which as anyone will tell you is pushing the boundaries of human possibility. I figured any more introspection and I would simply implode in an all-about-me singularity. A dark hole from which no compliment escapes.

But no…as so terribly often happens, I seem to have been wrong. I CAN get more introspective.

Way more.

Neuro (at least othmer-style) seems to focus one very strongly on things that had always been taken for granted. You spend a lot of time looking at things you never thought of before, looking for clues to things you never thought could change.

I’m pissed off! (wait. is that really the asshole in the other car, or is it just my brain being generally angry?)

Oh god, do I have to? (hey, what’s up with my frontal cortex today? It was FINE yesterday!)

My leg hurts…(damn, I KNEW I shouldn’t have tried that stupid .003 setting…what the hell was I thinking?)

Emotions, sensations, pain, thoughts – everything – are all now subjects for examination and inclusion in a sort of vast game of chess, combined with hide and go seek, combined with blind man’s bluff, combined with Clue(tm). And possibly one of the more obscure drinking games involving pennies and an athletic supporter. Or not…Hard to tell as I lost consistently and thus have very poor recollection of the rules.

One thing’s for sure though. I do love a mystery. And this is the best one going…

But I’m pretty sure the butler did it.

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4 Responses to “Getting the hang of this…maybe.”

  1. Jason Says:

    I can see how introspection to that degree would be a bit dangerous! 🙂 You have to admit though – the fact that introspection can actively change behaviors as we realize what we’re doing is nothing short of amazing. *Touts the brain’s plasticity in a nerdy way*

    • Tim Says:

      Introspection, therapy, talking to friends, a good workout…they are all ways of getting into the the brains inner layers by mucking around with the thoughts and stuff that swim around on the surface. Neurotherapy is no different…just faster. The brain has its own methods of affecting its inner layers, like making you instinctively run when you are in a dangerous situation. They work really really well. Neurotherapy hijacks those systems for our own nefarious purposes of repairing past damage and trauma.

  2. brokenbrilliant Says:

    I’ve gotta give you a lot of credit — I am way more reluctant to try this sort of therapy than you are. I’ve heard stuff that I don’t want to find out about personally. Could be I’m a much bigger wuss than I care to admit — I only wish I could blame TBI 😉

    Anyway, I’ll be checking back to see how you’re doing there.

    • Tim Says:

      It’s funny you know, I noticed a similar tendency in myself, or something that I think is similar (you may disagree). I hated taking meds for depression, to the point where they never really reached helpful strength in my system, just enough to make me feel like I wasn’t me… And stepping into Neurotherapy…I knew enough about it that I thought there was a really good possibility it could help. Yet I was terrified. What does that mean about me? That I just didn’t want to get better? That we somehow cling to what we define ourselves as, even if it clearly inn’t workin’? Or perhaps when we are in “surviving mode” we fear movement of any type. Or fear removing those things that we have cobbled together to get through the situation, and then become semi-permanent. I don’t really know. But I’m there with you on this one.
      Re: the things you’ve heard…Slap them up here…or send me an email. tlowan@gmail.com I want to hear anything you’ve got….


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